


God Ryujin

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Meaningful Works [5]
Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Existential Crisis, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23086720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: What would you do, if you realized something about yourself that you should have known all along?Would it complete you, or destroy you?Pity poor Shin Ryujin.
Relationships: Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin
Series: Meaningful Works [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672393
Kudos: 39





	God Ryujin

_Epiphany._

I laugh so hard that I cannot hardly even remember why I’m laughing. I try to slow down and clear my head, but it only makes it worse. It only subsides when I start to hurt myself like Arthur Fleck.

I catch my breath. God, it was so fuckin’ funny. My face hurts because I’m still smiling like an idiot. I have to take a moment to calm down, to compose myself. I don’t want to be like this when I find the others. It’ll spoil the fun.

Finally, I’m quiet enough to leave the room. I snicker only a little bit when I pass through the door.

***

There’s Yuna. “Hello, Sunshine!”

I startle her, but her look of fright turns quickly to a smile, though it’s tinged with confusion. I’m being really perky right now.

“Hi, Ryujin, what’s up?”

I shrug. “Nothing.” Then I get right in her face and stare her down. She freaks out a little, then matches my gaze. I try to keep my expression blank at first, then slowly change between anger, fear, and sadness. I end with a look of longing. She finishes me off with a fit of giggles.

“That was a fun game, what’s next?” she asks.

“Sorry,” I say, “that’s it.” She looks a little disappointed. But I’m not gonna lie; she wasn’t really who I was looking for. She never makes me feel bad. Already my epiphany is fading, and if I spend too much time on any one of them, I might lose my nerve.

I pull away from her and start to walk away, then stop. Looking back (and seeing the incredulous look on her face) I ask, “Have you seen Chaeryeong?”

***

I like my makeup job so much that I have to take a selca. Then I put on the wolf mask and creep around the corner. This is so stupid and absurd, it takes all of my self-control not to spoil the scare.

Chaeryeong is sitting in the far corner, facing away from me. She’s messing with her phone, and it’s not until I’m peering over her shoulder that I realize she’s using the camera. I don’t even have to growl or anything, just the silent apparition suddenly appearing in the background is all it takes to freak her right the fuck out.

She calms down before I can. My throat is starting to hurt. I hope I don’t lose my voice.

“You’re mean,” says Chaeryeong.

I have no defense. “Sorry, I just found this for sale cheap and couldn’t help myself.” I pull it off my face, and she does a double take.

“That face paint’s really cool.”

“Thanks. I found it on the internet. It was called ‘war paint’ or something like that.”

There’s an awkward silence. I have to speak my mind.

“You know, you’re always so scared, Chaeryeong. I just wanted to toughen you up.”

“At my expense. For a laugh.”

Now I feel bad. Wordlessly I turn to leave, and she settles back into her seat. Before I go I leave the mask behind on a table. I angle it so it’s staring at her. I don’t get two full steps out the door when I hear her gasp in fright. It makes me smirk for a second.

What do I do now? I don’t even remember why I thought this was a good idea. I must have been struck with a bout of madness, the kind that all teenagers and idealists are bound to have. Still, though, I remember having the epiphany itself. It seemed so profound, I have to share it with somebody. But who? I doubt I’ll have the guts long enough to tell them both, especially if they’re together in the same place.

***

They totally are.

Yeji is at one end of the sofa, Lia at the other. I nonchalantly slip in between them, and focused as they are on the television, neither one notices my makeup job. Until the commercial break.

“What’s with that ‘warrior princess’ getup?” asks Lia.

I turn to her. “It’s just something I saw online that looked cool.”

“Oh.” She turns back to the television, and I look over at Yeji. She regards me carefully and says, “I like it.”

I blush underneath it all.

The show comes back on, but it is just some vapid variety show, the sort of thing you watch when you are relaxing without thinking too much. I’m sure I can talk over it.

“Wanna hear something weird I read?”

Nobody answers, but I decide to interpret that as ‘yes’.

“I was looking at some fan postings about us, but in English. To practice some more.”

“Uh-huh,” says Lia. Yeji is looking at me again.

“So, some 외국 noticed my family name is 신, but they also knew that 신 is the Korean word for God.”

Lia looks thoughtful. “Then, they decided to commit sacrilege?” Yeji laughs, but I don’t.

“Yeah, they started calling me ‘God Ryujin’. Isn’t that crazy?”

Lia nods. “Especially because Yuna has the same family name, so they could’ve told the same joke.”

_You are such a poser_. “Actually, they did, they just called her ‘Goddess Yuna’ instead.”

“I can see that,” says Yeji. I look over at her. Honestly, she’s just like me and Lia, but I forgive her since I like her so much.

“Do you know what an _epiphany_ is?” I ask them.

“Yeah,” says Lia, “it’s an English word. It’s, like, a sudden realization of something.”

“Yes, but it’s not English, it’s Greek.” Lia raises her eyebrow at me. “Anyway, I had one of those today. Want to hear about it?”

Off goes the television. “Sure,” says Lia, cautiously. I steal a glance at Yeji. She looks worried.

I take a deep breath. “I was thinking about our songs. How we’re always singing about being ourselves, about not caring what other people think of us. And it hit me so hard; we’re shills. This is just the latest fad, packaged by a corporation. Sold to those hungry for the smallest bite. We’re not being ourselves at all.”

Lia shakes her head. “But we’re the ones performing it.”

I tense up. “That doesn’t matter. Anybody could do it, not just us. They could replace us a hundred times, and no one could tell the difference.”

“Ryujin,” says Yeji, “are you depressed?”

She touches my arm. The gesture is beyond price.

Lia gets to her feet. “I’m not in the mood to have an existential crisis today, honey.” And she leaves me alone with Yeji.

***

“What brought this on?”

She’s sitting close to me now, holding my right arm. She’s the one I’ve wanted to talk to this whole time, only I didn’t have the courage before. My insane laughing fit must have been a coping mechanism.

“We have this…this image…”

“Yes?”

“And for the two of us, it’s kind of similar. We’re both sort of tough girls, or girl crush, or whatever it is.”

Yeji nods, and squeezes my hand.

“But it’s not who we are, is it? I mean, I certainly don’t feel tough. And that’s just how the company portrays us. I saw on those forums, people say all kind of things about us. A lot of it is positive, but it’s still just people projecting things on to us. It feels dishonest. And they say the same things about other idols, too. It’s like we’re not even real people, just caricatures. Interchangeable. That’s what I meant when I said they could replace us.”

Yeji is quiet as she thinks of her response. As she does so, she bites her lip in that special way of hers. It drives me wild, sitting there next to her.

“Let me see if I understand,” she begins. “We’ve got this message, this positive message, but you think we’re insincere because we’re not really living it?”

“Yeah. We’re hypocrites.”

She shakes her head. “But aren’t you being true to yourself? Don’t you love performing?”

“Yes, but I want to do so much more! And I don’t want to be this tough girl that they portray me as!”

“You’re tougher than I am…”

I shake my head this time. “No, I’m not. I’m a coward. Even now, I can’t say all the things I really feel.”

She frowns at me. “Do you really think you’re replaceable? That there’s someone out there who can fill your shoes?”

“Yeji, there’s over fifty million people in this country. There are probably many people who could.”

Tears fill her eyes, and my heart breaks. I am gripped by the implication of my words, that if I am eminently disposable, then so is she. And it absolutely is not true. Not to me.

I think of a world without her, one in which she had succumbed to her childhood disease and never met me.

“Yeji, I didn’t mean to hurt you. We know each other; no one could ever take your place in my life.”

“Nor you in mine,” she whispers.

Now I’m starting to cry. “It’s different between us. I’m not satisfied with much in my life, but I’m satisfied with you.” I know why I was laughing. I couldn’t handle the dread. I stared down Yuna. I creeped on Chaeryeong. I wanted to lash out at Lia. I hate myself so much. Not being real with anyone. Not being real with Yeji, and with myself. I’m such a fake, I even put this damned makeup on to hide under.

“Ryujin,” says Yeji, “do you know what you’d want to do, right this second?”

I almost say _not exist_ , but I hold back.

“Sure.”

“Then be true to your self.”

I look into her eyes. She’s so close, and she doesn’t draw back. She’s ready for it when I kiss her. Funny how the fans got this one thing right.

**Author's Note:**

> Itzy's new album "IT'Z ME" dropped last night. I often wonder about the authenticity of idols, and how strange it is to project our own wants and needs onto them. I mean, they're really just strangers we know over the internet, right? Well, "Wannabe" triggered that feeling in me, and since Ryujin is my favorite in the group, I had to share those feels with her. By which I mean put words into her mouth and thoughts in her head which may not belong there.
> 
> This is why I loved it when Kim Dahyeon freaked out in the Alps. We got a genuine picture of her. It's a pity that most of the idol shows don't do this (I don't mean force them to face their fears, I mean draw out their true natures).


End file.
